Maybe it’s
the fever, the flu medicine, or my cynical, over-analytical nature but I can’t
help but question my purpose and impact here. After all, I am a foreigner
coming into another sovereign nation with a completely separate culture and
different language brought here on the promise that I can teach something new. On
paper, I look qualified and promising having a Bachelor’s in International
Studies, undergraduate minor in Spanish, Graduate Certificate in Global Health,
and Master’s degree in International Development. And I do believe, that my time spent studying
the world’s problems, no matter how depressing it was (seriously, I had a
slideshow of puppy pictures I’d go to during some of my research) that I am
prepared on an academic level to do this work. But these degrees and majority
of classes were earned in a western institution with western values and mostly
western viewpoints. I never found any of the classes within my major boring and
excelled more in them because of that. I am still what I was before, an
outsider looking in. Except then, I was an outsider among other outsiders. Now,
I am trying my best to apply learned knowledge to help others, to improve the
health of the community in which I have been placed Somoto, Nicaragua.
Thankfully, Peace Corps Nicaragua’s health sector is paired with the Nicaraguan
Ministry of Health so I am working alongside a Nicaraguan counterpart and out
of the city’s health center. Therefore,
I’m not some rogue America going at this alone. At this point I am still
learning more than I am teaching. I know this is essential to my success here
which I am also unsure how to measure that and I do have until April 2014 (gulp)
to accomplish something impactful and hopefully sustainable.
One of my
worries comes from my love I have for another part of the world. I must
confess, whenever up to my choice, I chose African countries and African specific
issues to focus on in school. Hell, I even chose to go to Kenya to study abroad
when most students were going to Australia and Spain. With all its challenges, including
the times where I felt frozen stiff with shock at some of the extreme poverty I
saw, I loved Kenya and my time there with every fiber of my body and want to
return more than anything. It is the absolute truth when I say that I learned
more about myself, life, and the world in general in those few months I spent
in Kenya. For Peace Corps, I wanted to be placed in Sub Saharan Africa and probably
ruined my chances of going there by saying so in my interviews. In school, we learned that a lot of
development models failed because the people trying to help applied a one size
fits all mentality to all developing nations.Yes, Kenya and Nicaragua are both
poor but that is one of the few things these countries have in common. In Kenya,
I met Kenyans who viewed Aid workers and foreign non-profit organizations as
neo-colonialism which hurt to hear but must admit is a valid concern. Does my
previous obsession with Africa hurt my ability to work in Latin America? Maybe
if I spent more time writing papers on Central America, I would not be writing
this blog post.
At the end
of the day, after giving health presentations in Spanish, and trying to form
relationships within my community, I return to my humble abode and feel guilty not proud, not selfless.
Although, I know it doesn’t serve my purpose here and helps no one. But the
acknowledgement of all the privilege I was born with for the sole reason of
being born within the borders of the United States is enough to put a pit in
any North American’s stomach. Privileges like free education up until age 18, a
trustworthy and efficient police force, reproductive choice, clean running
water, electricity, good roads, and so much more. But most of all is the guilt
that knowing in 2 years I have the privilege to return to all of the luxuries
and conveniences of the USA while the majority of the world’s population lives
in poverty. Also considering forgoing these amenities by choice is condescending by itself.
Maybe my sister is right about me thinking too much and being too hard on myself. But self reflection for all foreigners abroad is necessary and hope that more share my concerns and are willing to question their presence abroad. I am certain that everything I have started here and will continue to do will be with my best effort and earnest ambition to do good. With all my heart and
every cell within me, my intentions are nothing but good. If the road to hell is paved with good
intentions and mine are nothing but that, what exactly am I paving right now?
Only time will tell.
6 comments:
When I was in VT, I signed up to be in a human trial for a dengue vaccine. They were gonna pay a grand, and I was like "AAAWWW YEAAAHH!!"
Though, my parents FREAKED, and bought me out lol.
I would have done the Dengue trial anyway for the money and to know the progress of a Dengue vaccine.
Keep your head up sister!! You are beyond brave and courageous because you gave up all your comforts to go to a new esstinatly ( that might be spelt wrong) by yourself. You went to a country not being fluent in their language and knowing no one with the intentions of a saint. One person alone can not carry the problems of the world on their shoulders alone and fix them all. You are making a difference in your life and in the life of who reads this blog by educating us and raising awareness of the worlds problems. It's the responabilty of each person in the world to carry the weight of helping the poor and needy. I know with all my heart you will make a difference in the life's of people you are so earnestly trying to help. Even to help a few is to help many because the few will pass it on and help and educate others.
Thanks sister! This is the hardest thing I've ever done and I just hope that I never come off as the "know it all" foreigner to the people here. Like you say, "we all can learn from each other." And I try really hard to show my interest in learning and adapting to their culture, and way of life here.
It’s never too early to think about the Third Goal. Check out Peace Corps Experience: Write & Publish Your Memoir. Oh! If you want a good laugh about what PC service was like in a Spanish-speaking country back in the 1970’s, read South of the Frontera: A Peace Corps Memoir.
I understand those sentiments about returning to a country of privileges. I volunteered in Honduras in 2009 on a service trip. I was there for only a week, yet for months I felt so disgustingly guilty for everything I had the privilege of having. I have yet to leave for the Corps, but I highly see myself staying abroad (preferably moving to differing locations).
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